


Toute Ma Vie

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, First War with Voldemort, Order of the Phoenix - Freeform, Romance, Second War with Voldemort, Wizarding Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-18
Updated: 2009-02-17
Packaged: 2018-10-27 12:10:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10808745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black's relationship over a 20-year span.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Special thanks to my beta Vera who corrects my French, has some great ideas, is always flexible and tells me when what I write doesn't make any sense.

Toute Ma Vie

**By Destyne**

 

 

_There are places I remember_  
All my life, though some have changed   
Some forever not for better   
Some have gone and some remain   
All these places had their moments   
With lovers and friends   
I still can recall   
Some are dead and some are living   
In my life I've loved them all   
But of all these friends and lovers   
there is no one compares with you   
And these memories lose their meaning   
When I think of love as something new   
Though I know I'll never lose affection   
For people and things that went before   
I know I'll often stop and think about them   
In my life I love you more   
**In My Life** ~ John Lennon and Paul McCartney

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_Prologue_ **

Remus awoke startled. He'd had a dream, a horrible dream. He hadn't had a dream like that in ages. In his dream he was sitting in a cold cell and Dementors were surrounding him. He could hear the screams of prisoners, and see the curling paper in the fire that read, "Please, Remus, please forgive...." and the last word seemed to glow "Sirius." 

He'd been proud that he hadn't thought of Sirius as often as he used to, though he still did more then he'd liked to. It was getting easier for him to put his past lover out of his mind. And some nights, with the aid of Firewhisky, he could completely forget. 

And that was why he was troubled this night. For a few days he'd had the nagging feeling, something was calling to him. Something from his past was haunting him.

He didn't know what it was, and if he were honest, he didn't want to know. In a dark space in the back of his mind he feared he knew what it was. Sirius had finally surrendered to Azkaban. He'd finally died for the crimes he committed. Part of Remus felt vindicated in this thought. Sirius had taken his best friends, James, Lily and Peter. Sirius had caused so much pain to Remus. And yet a larger part felt sorrow at the idea that Sirius could be dead. The feeling confused him. He knew he'd never see Sirius again. He'd tried all those years ago to see him, to shout at him, to blame him for taking the best years of his life and turning them into a joke. But that day proved that Remus was not allowed in Azkaban in that capacity. The only way a werewolf would be allowed in the wizard prison was as a prisoner. 

There was still the nagging. The nagging that Remus hated. The nagging that there could have been a mistake. That Sirius would never give his best friend over. 

But Dumbledore had assured him it wasn't a mistake. That his former lover had betrayed him in an unforgivable way. And Remus hated himself for doubting that Sirius was guilty. And he hated himself, on nights like this, for even letting his mind go there.

He pulled himself up and out of his bed. Slowly in the dark, he moved across the room and reached for a small box in his closet. The box was metal and about the size of a shoebox. He hadn't looked in it in over a year. He hadn't let himself feel the guilt the box contained. When he decided, two and a half years ago, to start his new life he decided that the box would not be opened. And yet he placed his fingers on the sides and tugged. The lid snapped off.

Remus stared at the contents for a while. Photographs intermingled with mementos. Muggle photographs of a man with platinum hair and beautiful pale blue eyes. His white smile was making his face more handsome. Remus looked at the picture, and a smile crept to his lips. Then he reached for another picture. The same man, now pale and gaunt. His body almost skeletal. But the smile was still there, and the blue eyes still glowed. And finally, when he was in that final state, Remus knew his secrets. His heart pained, and his eyes started to sting as he remember holding his hand, listening to the buzzing of the machines, and watching the man die.

He almost closed the box, now remembering why he'd told himself he would never open it again, when the photograph he'd been searching for uncovered itself. This one was different. The people in it smiled and waved and moved and gave bunny ears to their fellows. Remus looked into the green eyes of Lily, someone he could have sworn was a soul mate. Someone he'd kicked himself many times over for not being attracted to. He found the vibrant blue eyes of the man holding Lily in his arms, carrying her across the picture as she laughed. And there was little Peter. He was putting bunny ears over Remus’s head. And finally, alone, smiling and just looking on, was Sirius. Remus took the whole picture in. He hadn't looked at the picture in a decade. He refused to let himself feel the feelings that came with the picture. But tonight he couldn't hold it in. His nostrils flared and his blood boiled as he looked into the eyes of Sirius. "You took all these people from me. How could you?" Remus whispered to the picture. He tore the corner of the photo with Sirius and threw it on the floor, then placed the rest of the picture back in the box.

He padded back to his bed and lay down. But sleep wouldn’t come. Instead came images he couldn't prevent his mind from seeing. Images from years past. Images of him and Sirius, kissing, naked and laughing. Images of him and Sirius screaming, yelling and fighting. With tears rolling down his cheek, he wished more than anything that his demons would leave him alone. That Sirius would just leave him alone.


	2. Chapter 1

  
Author's notes: For the sake of clarity, flashbacks will be in itallics and centered text.  


* * *

Chapter One

September 1975

"In order to seek the origins of Magic, we have to start with the Celtic God, Math ap Mathonwy. Meaning the God of Sorcery."

Remus put his quill down on his desk. He couldn’t help but let his mind wander to other places. This was the beginning of his sixth year at Hogwarts, and at the beginning of every year, Professor Binns started the lecture the same way: with the origins of Magic. Sure, this was History of Magic, but really, Remus could deliver the lecture himself by now. He _did_ get an O in his History of Magic OWLs after all. And his thoughts did lie in other, more important places. Like on the parchment that lay on his bedside table in the dormitory. He had the whole thing memorized by now.

_My Dearest Remus,_

_There is much to say, and I know saying it in a letter is inconsiderate and out of form but I wish to tell you as soon as possible and not have to wait until we meet on your next holiday._

_My dear Remus, I have made the agonizing decision to return to my wife and try anew. I know how this will make you feel and I do ask for your forgiveness and understanding. You have been wise beyond your years and I know you will use that same wisdom in receiving this information. Please know you will always reside in my heart._

_Yours,_

_Alexi_

He’d received the letter just that morning, but he had read it over and over. Remus had met Alexi over the summer holidays while he was at home in France. Alexi frequented the café his parents owned. And several times Remus noticed him alone. 

Alexi wasn’t the first man Remus had noticed, not by far, but he seemed to be the only man who noticed him back. Remus was well aware that his love of men was not what society considered normal. He himself had just come to terms with what it all meant. What it meant when he was twelve and longed to see Rock Hudson without a shirt. And it was Alexi that prompted Remus to start acting on his notions.

It was just three weeks into the holiday. Remus and his younger sister Ophelia always worked the café over the school holidays. Their parents simply couldn’t afford very much outside help. After walking by Alexi several times, pretending to be clearing the table behind him, or serving more coffee to the table next to him, Alexi finally stopped him.

"Excuse’ moi," he said in a thick French accent, calling him over on the pretense of wanting more tea. Remus tried his hardest not to blush. "I notice you are here working often. Don’t you have other things a young man your age like to do?" Alexi’s eyes never left Remus; they were a deep blue, like nothing he’d ever seen before.

"I don’t mind it here," Remus said, almost inaudibly. He let his eyes wander upon the older man, who appeared to be in his late thirties. 

Alexi didn’t hide the pleased look at the answer Remus had given. "You look strong, are you good at light physical labor?" 

A little taken back by the question Remus answered, "Yes," not really sure he _was_ good at it.

Alexi scribbled his phone number on a piece of napkin. "I could use some help on my summer home. If you are interested, call me. I’ll be sure to pay you well." He winked at Remus and got up to leave the table.

Remus watched him leave, his body flowing slowly out the door. Then he looked at the napkin with the number written on it. He’d be sure to call on his next break.

It was Alexi that showed Remus just how sexual a man could be. Just how wonderful a touch could feel. And it was something Remus would never forget. That first touch, that first kiss, that feeling of being with a man for the first time was a memory that would live with Remus forever. And sitting in History of Magic now, three months after meeting Alexi, he was trying to forget that feeling. Trying to remember what it was like before he knew a man’s touch. 

Pulling himself out of the thought he looked around the room. James and Sirius, two of his best friends, had been separated yet again for disrupting class. Sirius now sat in the front of the class, and he looked very downtrodden indeed. James was sitting next to Remus drawing a sketch. Remus couldn’t help but smile when he saw what it was: A longhaired maiden being rescued by a large stag. All the lady needed was red hair, and Remus could be certain it was Lily Evans. If she only knew how James fantasized about her, maybe she would humor him with a date, but Remus doubted that would ever happen. On Remus’s other side was his third best friend, Peter. Even Peter, admittedly slower to grasp certain concepts, was looking like he could quote Binns word for word. Peter fidgeted with his new wand. The old one had gotten lost one night during their last escapade in the Forbidden Forest before the summer holidays. This new one was quite fine, better then any wand Remus had seen before.

He knew, really knew, that he could trust these three boys; the three boys with whom he shared a dorm. They were the ones who figured out he was a werewolf despite his efforts to keep it concealed, and they were the ones who would go to any extreme to protect Remus from the negative illation of the outside world. Often at times, he felt like they were his family. And even when he was with his real family, his mother, father and Ophelia, he wanted to be with his three mates.

He felt ashamed by that. Peter had only his mother and aunts around. Surrounded in a house full of women, Remus didn’t envy him. Peter was twenty pounds overweight, and it was no wonder. If Remus had three women cooking for him all the time, he’d probably eat a good lot too.

James was the most normal of them all. The Potters were a well-known family in the wizarding world, a long line of wizards stemming back thousands of years. And of old money as well. James never knew where all their money came from; it was just always there when he needed it. He was pampered; the only child of an older couple who tried for years to have children before James came along. He was the pride of the family, the one everyone loved.

Sirius had the most troubled home life of the bunch. He came from a long line of dark wizards. When he got sorted into Gryffindor, the howler his mother sent him the next day was tumultuous. As if Sirius had any choice in the matter. And his Slytherin relatives seemed to think he did. That first year at Hogwarts, not a month went by when Sirius wasn’t either physically assaulted or verbally tortured by his Slytherin cousins. When his brother was sorted into Slytherin two years later, the abuse started again. Remus wondered how he could be so stable with such a home life. 

He looked up at Professor Binns, who didn’t seem to notice half his class was bored to tears. The lecture continued, and Remus zoned out.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~*~~~

"First Hogsmeade Weekend this Saturday," Peter said, joining the group at breakfast. 

The first month of school had passed quickly and Remus was enjoying his schedule. The last two years at Hogwarts were going to be very easy going. He only had three classes a day, unlike the usual four he’d had in past years. The purpose for this was to give them more time to study for NEWTs, but Remus knew his friends well enough to know their time would be spent planning excursions in the Forbidden Forest, and ways to make Snivellus’ life more difficult. 

"Excellent," James said in reply to Peter. Sirius sat next to James, Peter next to Remus, who was across from the other two.

Sirius and James. They had a way about them. This showed at breakfast more than anywhere else. James would take the cereal and pour a bowl, then hand the box to Sirius. Then James would pour some milk over his bowl just as Sirius finished pouring his cereal. It was a subconscious routine they’d done since third year. At times Remus envied their friendship. The way they seemed to know one another so seamlessly. It was quiet as everyone ate, but Peter had a grin on his face. 

"What’s with you, Wormtail?" Sirius asked, finally looking up from his cereal.

Peter looked at him as though he’d just noticed Sirius was there. "Oh, nothing. Just got asked to Hogsmeade." Peter bit into a piece of bacon and smiled.

Sirius looked insulted by the information, as if thinking how rude it was Peter had a date when he didn’t. But James chuckled and replied, "Right on. Who with?" 

"Annette Bolen." Peter said her name like it was the most beautiful word in the English language. This made Remus laugh.

"The Hufflepuff? Fourth year? A bit young, isn’t she, Wormtail?" came Sirius’s reply. He still seemed peeved.

"Doesn’t matter, does it? It’s just Hogsmeade. Not like I asked her to marry me or anything." 

Sirius looked as though it did matter, but he took the biscuit James was giving him and buttered it, muttering with a slight shake of his head.

~~~*~~~

 

Remus sat in the common room of Gryffindor Tower, his books sprawled out over the table. He was vaguely aware of his three friends, just a few feet away plotting something. James, Sirius and Peter were sitting close together around a plush chair, a book propped open in front of them and a roll of parchment in James’s lap.

"What do you think would happen if we mixed the Swelling Solution with the Hair Raising Potion? Do you reckon it will make the drinker’s hair not only grow, but also clump up in large strands?" Peter looked over the parchment the group was writing on, planning out their new, and according to Sirius, best prank yet.

"Could you see Snivellus with hair like spaghetti?" James laughed. "Maybe we could even put a colouring solution in it and turn it purple." 

"Excellent," Sirius said with an ecstatic smile on his face.

"What are you doing?" A voice broke the ease of the group. Prefect Lily Evans stood over them.

James looked at her anxiously for a second, and then put on his smile. "Evans. Come to ask me out, have you?" 

"Get bent, Potter. What is that?" She pointed at the parchment Sirius was now stowing in his Charms book.

"It’s just homework." James smiled unconvincingly at her.

"Can I see it then?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

"W-what?" James stammered, dropping his smile.

"As _Prefect_ I’m entitled to see what you are doing," Lily stated, narrowing her eyes suspiciously and taking a step toward Sirius.

"Yes, you are," said another voice from behind, startling Lily.

"Remus," Sirius said, relief in his voice. 

"Show me the parchment, Sirius," he said, in a cool voice.

Sirius looked sideways to Lily and then to Remus, seeming to survey which candidate would get him in less trouble. He reached in his book, pulled out the parchment and handed it to Remus. 

Remus let his eyes scan over the parchment so that it was clear to Lily he was in the pretense of checking it thoroughly. The corner of his mouth twitched only slightly as he casually refolded the parchment and looked back up to meet Lily’s scrutinizing gaze. He smiled and confirmed reassuringly, that it was indeed, "Charms homework." 

She looked at him, unconvinced, and then stalked off, muttering under her breath, "Of course you wouldn’t tell on them. Probably has something to do with…" 

Once out of sight Remus sat and opened the parchment again. "You know you can’t do this," he said.

"Oh, Moony, come on. It’s a brilliant plan," James said, disappointment in his voice.

"No, I mean you can’t mix the Hair Raising Potion and the Swelling Solution. The Erumpent Horn from the Swelling Solution will counteract with the puffer fish eyes from the Hair Raising Potion. It’ll cause the solution to melt and could result in serious permanent damage if it comes in contact with skin." 

The three looked at him amazed. "How did you know that?" Peter asked.

"My uncle mixed them once. Misreading Puffskins as puffer fish eyes. He had to wear a hat over his ears for the rest of his life," Remus stated tragically. 

~~~*~~~

The trip to Hogsmeade the next day was typical. The four left Hogwarts with every intention of staying together and causing playful mischief. Peter didn’t have to meet Annette until one-thirty. However, as they were leaving the Three Broomsticks, the routine stalled.

Sirius leaned into James as the door to the pub closed. "James, I’m bored," he whined in his only too familiar whine.

"What shall we do then, Sirius?" James asked, a smirk on his face.

"What have you got in mind, my dear Prongsie?" 

James laughed. "Perhaps I shan’t tell you in the company of these scoundrels." James pointed to Peter and Remus. 

Taking the bait Peter chimed in, "Ah, but we can cause trouble with the best of them." He looked at James with admiration. How he wished he could come up with clever things like that. The four walked down the long walks in Hogsmeade, past Honeydukes where Peter looked in the window at the newest candy that made your tongue cover with purple polka dots. Remus just sighed. 

"What’s with you, Moony? Too good for us?" Sirius teased.

"You lot are going to get my Prefect badge revoked," he said it in an annoyed tone, but the smile on his face gave him away. 

"Yeah, right, Remus. Then whom would they give it to? You’re the best Gryffindor boy in the sixth year. That’s why you got the badge in the first place." Sirius moved his arm off of James and put it on Remus’ shoulder. They passed Zonko’s where James briefly cocked his head to see the newest merchandise, then they turned down another road. Nobody commented on where they were heading, but they all sort of knew. The four moved silently down the long dirt road toward a pub at the end of the street. The Hog’s Head. They sat down toward the back of the pub, and instantly a familiar face greeted them.

"Oi, mates. What are you doing in a dodgy place like this?" Mundungus Fletcher’s young form met them. Mundungus had just left Hogwarts the previous year, and James and Sirius credited him with a few of the ideas for some of their better mischief. 

"Dung. Sit a spell." Peter looked at him admirably. 

"Don’t mind if I do." Mundungus sat and signaled to the waitress. "Five glasses of Dragonian’s best Dragon Gin, Marieniette." 

The waitress gave him a suspicious look but nonetheless a moment later dropped five glasses of smoking liquid on the table. "They students?" the waitress asked in a thick Scottish accent.

"No, Mademoiselle. Just visiting," Remus said in as good a French accent as he could pull off. Considering he spent most of his life in France, it was a convincing one. The waitress didn’t look convinced, but turned and headed to the bar.

"So, what are you lads up to?" Mundungus asked a moment before picking up his glass and taking a large gulp of gin.

James looked at the liquid that was still smoking with caution. Peter looked frightened of it. Remus pushed it away politely and Sirius, following Mundungus’s lead, gulped a mouthful. Only a second later his eyes bulged from his head and his nostrils flared. However, he wasn’t about to admit something was too strong for him, so he just took a deep breath and let out a burp.

It was about an hour later when Remus had to leave for a Prefects’ meeting back at Hogwarts. Peter had left only moments ago to meet Annette at Zonko’s. Having drunk two glasses of gin, and starting on their third, James and Sirius decided to stay behind. _Just as well_ , Remus thought. He didn’t want to deal with their ruckus anyway. 

 

~~~*~~~

_The planet Pluto was believed to be formed from the access materials of the other four outer planets._ Remus read over the words that he’d just written, then looked down at his astronomy book again. The common room was nearly empty as most of the students were already in their dorms. He’d returned from his Prefects’ meeting and had dinner alone; the rest of the gang was still at Hogsmeade, he assumed. He raised his quill to write, when he heard the portrait hole open and someone stumbled through.

"Sirius?" Remus looked at him. His eyes were crossed and he had a stupid smile on his face. Sirius walked shakily toward Remus and sat down. Remus shook his head. "What have you been drinking?"

"Drinking?" Sirius slurred. "I haven’t been drinking." His head wobbled a little then straightened up.

"Where are James and Peter?"

"James found a cute little Ravenclaw to entertain himself with. Peter was with Annette, but then they disappeared too. ‘S it’s just me." He smiled at Remus and threw his hands out in front of him as though presenting himself for the first time.

"Well, we should get you to bed then," Remus said, pulling Sirius up and putting his arm around his shoulder. 

"Is that an invitation, Moony?" Sirius said lightly.

Remus ignored him. The other boys knew Remus fancied men. Remus had told them after James tried to set him up with a Hufflepuff girl last year. 

He walked with Sirius up to their dormitory and set him on his bed. Sirius lay down immediately, giving Remus a chance to pull his shoes off. "I hate being your mother, Sirius. This really should be James’ job since he’s the one to blame for you being inebriated." He said it more to himself then to Sirius.

"You’re a much better person then my mother," Sirius slurred. He sat up and looked at Remus, his eyes never breaking contact with Remus as he pulled his shirt off. 

Remus tried to shift his gaze, but he couldn’t take his eyes away. He didn’t even pull back like he should have, when Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips gently to his. In fact, he leaned in closer and pressed harder against Sirius’s lips. Only when he tasted the liquor on his breath, did he realize what was happening, and he immediately placed a good distance between their bodies. Sirius looked at him pleadingly.

"You’re drunk. Get some sleep." Remus stood up abruptly and pulled the curtains shut. He stared at the curtains for a few minutes, trying to process exactly what his body had done when his best friend kissed him. His head was light, but he turned and went back to his Astronomy homework.

The next morning Remus woke and followed his usual routine. Shower, breakfast and then to the common room. It was Sunday, and a few Gryffindors attended religious ceremonies, but most stayed to take advantage of the day. 

James and Peter were at a table by the stairway playing Exploding Snap. Sirius was still in the dormitory, unable to wake up. _Probably for the best_ , Remus thought. He wasn’t sure he could look his friend in the eye after last night. Remus shouldn’t have let his impulse rule out his better judgment. He shouldn’t have let Sirius kiss him, and more importantly, he shouldn’t have kissed back. He shouldn’t have enjoyed it like he did. Sirius fancied girls. And a fumbling drunken kiss with his best friend couldn’t mean anything more.

"If we don’t know what it says you can’t take up space on the board," Remus tried to explain calmly to a third year that was trying to post something on the bulletin board in invisible ink. 

"But I told you. It’s for the Students in the Invisible Ink Club. They’ll know what it means." 

Remus rolled his eyes and gently persuaded the boy to take the parchment down and show it to Professor McGonagall, who was Head of Gryffindor house. If McGonagall thought it was okay, then Remus would allow it.

"Sirius," a voice called, causing Remus to turn and look. Sirius was standing at the top of the stairs looking down into the common room at James and Peter, who had questioning looks on their faces. Sirius took the walk down the spiral staircase and sat across the boys. 

"What were you doing up there?" Peter asked.

Sirius looked at him slyly and said, "Thinking of the best way to hex that fifth year Slytherin boy. You know the one who put a shrinking solution in your inkwell."

Peter looked glum for a moment. "Yeah, my quill was never found." Then his face lit up again. "What are you thinking of doing?" 

Sirius sat down next to the two other boys, and Remus just stood and watched. It should have bothered him that he wanted to watch Sirius. It should bother him that he was starting to question a relationship. It should have. But it didn’t. 

Remus watched his three best mates sitting in the corner of the room. They were definitely up to something. He considered helping them concoct whatever plan they were coming up with. But he really needed to get more schoolwork done. After last night Remus couldn’t think about anything but Sirius. His Astronomy homework made no sense. The words all seemed to jumble together to form the word "Sirius". It was very disheartening to Remus. Sirius was his mate, one of his closest friends and one of his _only_ friends. If he started to crush over his friends, then he wouldn’t have anyone. No, it was silly. Sirius’s friendship was maybe the most important of the three. Sirius was the one who came to him just after the start of second year and confronted him. He remembered it like it was last week.

 

_It was October 1972; Remus was lying in his bed, tired and disheveled. Sirius, Peter and James came in quietly. "Now, let me do the talking," Sirius said in a whisper to the others._

_"Remus?" Sirius sat on the bed, James and Peter standing just behind him._

_Remus stirred. "Wake up, mate. We need to talk to you about something."_

_Remus opened his eyes and blinked a few times. "What’s wrong?" he asked, sure that it had to be something dire for them to all be looking at him so severely._

_"I was doing some reading in my Magical Monsters book. Um, I found something very interesting." Sirius looked over his shoulder. How was he supposed to say this? He tossed an open book down on his bed. The page was open to reveal the heading, How to tell if your enemy is a werewolf… Remus lost all the colour in his face. "Look, we’re just going to ask you. And you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, but it won’t change anything either way. Just tell us." Sirius stalled a moment and then said, very quickly, "Are you a werewolf?"_

_Remus looked like he might be sick. His nostrils flared a little and he closed his eyes. But then he calmly answered, "Yes."_

_Peter gasped and James took a small unconscious step back, but Sirius didn’t move. He didn’t look upset or disgusted or terrified. He just gazed back at Remus with his deep, dark eyes, silently._

_"I was five. We were camping in Italy. My sister was just a baby, just starting to walk well. She required a lot of attention. My father was asleep inside the tent and I was out by the campfire with Mum and Ophelia. We were roasting pork. She told me to keep an eye on Ophelia, that she had an errand to run while Papa was sleeping. He didn’t like her to abuse her magic, so she preferred to shop for magical things when he was sleeping. And we were close to the Italian wizarding shops." He paused, his eyes not leaving Sirius, who in turn had not taken his eyes off Remus._

_"I turned my back for a second. Only a second. And next think I knew Ophelia was gone. I called for her, several times, and she didn’t answer. I don’t know why I didn’t think to tell my father. Instead, knowing Mum would be angry that I lost my sister, I went looking for her in the forest. It was dark, and the only light was from the full moon. I only went in a little way before I felt a terrible sensation that something horrible was going to happen. I thought now of going to Papa. So I turned to go back."_

_"I didn’t see him there at first. When I did see him I remember thinking he was beautiful. I stared into his eyes, and the longer I stared the more entranced with the wolf I became. He was unlike any wolf I’d seen in the books Mum read to me. And then I just wasn’t scared anymore. I took a step toward him and he lunged at me. I remember feeling betrayed at first. Why did he want to attack me? Then I just felt pain. Searing pain in my shoulder." Remus, his eyes now glazed over reliving this, pulled his shirt down to reveal a scar on his left shoulder._

_"I screamed and my father came out of the tent. The wolf was gone by then," Remus had a tear on his cheek. "We found out later who the wolf was. Fenrir Greyback. He’d met my mother and father years back, before I was even born. He was human when they met at some wizarding party or something. He wasn’t a nice man, he wasn’t neatly groomed. My mother felt he was more of a recluse, and wanted to talk to him. She loved talking to people who looked interesting; she loved hearing their experiences. Well, Papa didn’t like that he was being so friendly with my mother and politely asked the man to leave her alone. He snarled at Papa, but left the party shortly after." Remus looked up at James and Peter, who looked less terrified and more compassionate. And then to Sirius, who looked as though he had just lived through the attack himself. He let out a sigh and said, "It was after I was bitten Papa didn’t want Mum using magic anymore. He didn’t want any part of the wizarding world. She felt guilty enough and she did what he asked." His eyes met Sirius’s again; he seemed to be the least horrified by what the twelve-year-old had just revealed._

_"Well, it doesn’t matter to us, does it?" Sirius finally said after a moment of quiet._

_James and Peter agreed. "We know who you are now," James said, smiling slightly. Then to make light of it he said, "There’s not anything else you want to tell us is there? You aren’t also a vampire? Or a merman in disguise?" The four of them laughed. And from then on their friendship was cemented._

This was the reason it bothered him that since last night he was starting to see Sirius in a different way. Not that he hadn’t always sort of had a crush on him, everyone did. Sirius Black was the best-looking boy in Gryffindor. All the girls wanted him, and it seemed to Remus that most of those girls got him. Which was another reason he was so confused. Sirius was drunk last night. He probably didn’t even remember. So Remus would just pretend it didn’t happen. He would go on just as he had before. It shouldn’t be too difficult, if only Sirius wouldn’t look so good in his trousers.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

Remus had managed to pretend everything was normal between him and Sirius for a week. And since Sirius never brought up the fact that he kissed Remus, he assumed it was forgotten. _All for the better_ , Remus thought. But it was getting harder and harder to stop thinking about Sirius. To stop watching him when he wasn’t looking, to stop reliving the feel of those rough lips on his own. 

The first Quidditch match of the season was in November. Remus went to the top of the stand with Peter, and watched as James and Sirius played well, though Gryffindor lost horribly. The match lasted four hours, and when it was over, the Gryffindor players, looking worn-out, left the pitch with James, the Quidditch Captain, yelling so loudly that Remus could hear him all the way from the stands. 

"Oh, there’s Annette," Peter said, and left Remus’ side to meet the pretty blonde haired Hufflepuff.

Remus walked down the stands with the large group of upset Gryffindors, each one moaning loudly about what they thought was wrong with the match.

"Did you see the Slytherin Beater? He hit that Bludger directly at Black," a second year girl said, sadly. Remus had seen that, but Sirius had avoided it narrowly, and then flipped the bird at the Beater. 

Remus finally made it to the dressing rooms. He stood outside, smiling occasionally at people walking by. Usually he would just go up to Gryffindor Tower and wait for the gang to show up, but it looked like James and Sirius were in serious need for some moral support.

"Good match," Remus said as Sirius walked out of the room. 

"Did you even watch it?" Sirius asked, annoyed.

"I did. I thought you played very well. I saw how the Slytherin Beater hit that Bludger toward James. It would have hit him had you not misguided it." 

Sirius looked at Remus. "Yeah. If James had only seen that. He’s laying into our Seeker for not catching the snitch. Four bloody hours," Sirius mumbled.

"Want to go for a walk around the lake then?" Remus asked. He tried to sound casual about it, but he failed miserably.

"Where’s Peter?" Sirius looked around them and for the first time noticed Peter wasn’t with them.

"He’s with Annette." Remus smiled. 

"Fanbloodytastic," Sirius said again. "I don’t understand how he gets a pretty girl like that and I don’t have anyone."

Remus replied, "You don’t always need to have a girlfriend just to one up your mates, Sirius." 

They walked toward the lake where several students had decided to lounge. 

"Good match, Black," a fifth year Slytherin teased. 

Sirius held up his first two fingers and told them to eat dung. "Really, Remus, what are we doing here?" 

"We need to talk about last weekend," Remus said seriously, surprising even himself at that admission. 

"What happened last weekend?" Sirius asked.

He really didn’t remember? Remus felt his feet go numb at the thought. "You kissed me," he said trying to sound casual.

"Oh, that." Sirius sounded nervous. 

Remus cast a fleeting glance out of the corner of his eye. So he _did_ remember. "You can’t just kiss me like that, Sirius. I’m not something for you to experiment with," Remus went on in a calm tone. 

"Remus, it wasn’t…" But Sirius didn’t get to finish.

"You are one of my best friends. And it’s not worth jeopardizing a friendship over something so trivial."

Sirius stopped walking. He didn’t care that there were students in earshot. "Remus, I didn’t kiss you because I wanted to experiment. I did it because it felt right. Didn’t you think so?" 

Remus glared at him. "Why would I think so, Sirius? Did you think that being kissed by an obviously drunken person, who just so happens to be my friend, would make it feel right? Or that just because I fancy men that I would automatically want you?" Remus was defensive, his voice rose.

"Why can’t you believe someone might just want _you?_ Why don’t you ever think that you are good enough, that there has to be some ulterior motive if someone shows interest in you?" Sirius looked at him, and then started walking again, this time with a force. 

Remus paused to take in the sentiment. He wasn’t sure how to react to it. He caught up to Sirius and said, "It doesn’t matter if it felt good to me. It doesn’t matter how it made me feel. You and I are friends. And that’s more important then a small kiss." 

"I have to get back to the dormitory," Sirius said quickly. "I need a shower." And he turned and left.

 

~~~*~~~

Two days later Remus still had made no attempt to talk to Sirius. And he had no intention of doing so. It had become a battle of wills, and Remus was not about to give in. Conversations around dinner consisted of, "James, will you please reach past Sirius and pass me the salt" and that sort. Clearly suspicious of the formality, James and Peter had asked Remus several times why he and Sirius weren’t talking. Remus assumed in turn that they had asked Sirius the same. And what could he say? "Sirius kissed me after a drunken night and I felt used and I’m waiting for him to apologize?" No, Remus couldn’t say that. But he had to say something. Perhaps after that night it would be okay. That night after all was the full moon. And Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs had not abandoned him yet. 

Remus went to the hospital wing after dinner and met with Madam Pomfrey. Together they followed the same ritual they’d done every month for the past 5 years. Quietly they went out the front doors, sometimes seen by other students, but most of the time they were unobserved. This night the Entrance Hall was abandoned so there was no need for hasty made up excuses by Madam Pomfrey. 

They walked across the grounds to the Whomping Willow tree. They entered the tunnel, neither saying a word. Once they reached the Shrieking Shack Madam Pomfrey stopped at the door. She always had a terrified look on her face when she saw the place.

"Will you be all right now?" She asked in a nurturing tone, but Remus could also sense some relief when he nodded his head and answered in the affirmative.

"I will see you in the morning then," she said. And in a moment she was gone.

Normally Remus only had to wait an hour or so before his mates arrived. This night however it seemed he waited an eternity. He could feel himself starting to transform. His skin was becoming itchy. His mind was starting to fog. 

"Where the bloody hell are they?" he asked himself out loud. If he was honest with himself he could admit he dreaded transforming without them. Not only did they help him maintain control, but they also provided a support only his friends could offer.

He could remember only too well the nights the four of them had spend pouring over books, trying to find a way to make the transformations better for Remus. He remembered that even before they’d mastered the Animagus transformations they spent as much time helping Remus recover as they could. McGonagall was great about letting them miss classes to sit in the hospital wing. 

"If Sirius comes tonight I’ll talk to him tomorrow," he said under his breath. He didn’t care about any stupid teenage crap that happened a couple weeks ago. He needed his friends. But where were they? 

A few minutes later the wolf took over Remus’s body.

~~~**~~~

As Remus started to stir he could feel the sun hit his back. And it hurt. He opened his eyes and found himself laying face down on the bed in the Shrieking Shack. He reached his hand back and touched his skin. It was moist with blood. It was when he twisted that Remus saw the black dog sleeping in the corner.

He leaned up and also saw a large stag in the middle of the room, the rat lying quietly on the stag’s back. So they had shown up. A shiver shuffled through Remus’s spine. Then he was reminded just how much it hurt. He must have been angry at not having his friends around. He must have done some damage to himself. Ugh, he wished he could remember. But he learned years ago the wolf’s mind didn’t reveal its secrets to Remus. 

He checked the clock on the wall. Madam Pomfrey would come to get him when she woke at 7:00. And it was 6:30 now. Remus had better start waking his mates. He stood up and was horrified to notice his legs were scratched and bitten. He took a few wobbly steps to the stag in the middle of the room.

"James," Remus said in a hoarse voice. He wondered how much howling he’d done last night since his throat hurt so much. "James, wake up," he said again. James began to stir and the rat lying on his back tumbled to the ground.

Only a moment later Peter stood up and cursed Remus. "What’d you do that for? I was sleeping," Peter said, rubbing his backside. 

"I didn’t know you were going to fall," Remus said apologetically. "What happened to you guys last night? I had to transform without you." He tried not to sound pathetic, but he was unsuccessful.

"Sirius," Peter said. "He got all…" but he wasn’t able to finish. James had just erupted out of the stag and brushed himself off.

"You couldn’t get a blanket or something next time? That floor is bloody hard." James looked across the room at the black dog still snoring in the corner. "You haven’t woken Sirius yet?" James asked. 

Remus shook his head. He was finally aware that Peter was looking at him sympathetically. "We can fix some of those now if you want," he said, pointing to the scratches on his body. 

Remus shook his head. "It would look to suspicious to Pomfrey," he said truthfully. Part of Remus hated that his friends risked expulsion every time they came to see him. But the larger part of him loved that they would do that. That he meant so much to them. 

"Padfoot," James stood over the black dog and picked up its floppy ear. "Padfoot, wake up, boy. There’s a bunny down here for you to fetch." 

Peter snickered. And a second later Sirius emerged. "Very funny, Prongs," he said standing next to James surveying him. His gaze then moved to Remus and he gasped. "Moony," Sirius said, taking only a few steps and appearing at his side. He looked at Remus like every scratch on Remus hurt him just as much. "I can do a healing charm," he mumbled to himself. He lifted his wand, which was conveniently stowed in his black robes, and started an incantation. 

"No, Sirius," Remus said taking Sirius’s hand and moving it downward. His hand didn’t leave Sirius’.

Sirius swallowed visibly. "If you’re hurt…" he began. 

"You need to go. Pomfrey will be here shortly and then I’ll be fine." He looked intently in Sirius’s eyes. He did tell himself he would work things out with Sirius. 

Sirius nodded then took the role as leader. "Okay then. James, you get the Invisibility Cloak and start down the tunnel and Peter will be right behind you. I’ll follow Peter. We’ll wait ‘til we see Pomfrey and then head in." It was foolish to try and argue with Sirius. They all knew it. 

James was the first one out, his cloak flung over his head. Peter was out a moment behind him. Sirius was alone with Remus.

"Are you sure you’ll be all right?" Sirius asked. 

Remus didn’t speak but nodded. Sirius didn’t move.

"We’ll talk later. I promise," Remus rasped. And Sirius turned and left.

 

~~~*~~~

The hospital wing smelled like burnt cabbage when Remus awoke. He had bandages wrapped around his legs. Remus hated what the wolf did to him, to its self. For Remus had learned long ago that the wolf was part of him and he was part of the wolf. He looked away from his bandages and noticed Sirius sitting in the chair next to the bed. How long had he been there? He started to ask him when Sirius interrupted.

"I’m sorry," he said softly, handing Remus a goblet with water in it.

Remus nodded, though he wasn’t sure what Sirius was apologizing for. Once his throat felt better he asked, "What kept you lot last night?"

"I was foolish, Moony. I’m sorry," he said again. Remus’s eyes questioned him, and Sirius continued. "I was ready to go at our usual time. We would have been there before the wolf came out. But it was my fault. James was reading his stupid magazine _Quidditch for the Average Wizard;_ Peter had just gotten to second base with Annette and wanted to tell us every disgusting detail. It was starting to hack me off. I mean, after last weekend I owed it to you to be there…" Sirius looked down at his hands.

"Sirius," he said, softly. Forgivingly.

"Well, they caught on that I was in a short mood," he continued. "So I grabbed my robe and told them I was leaving. Told them I wasn’t waiting around for them and that they could go to see you alone." He looked ashamed. "I told them I was going to the Astronomy Tower to find a girl and fuck my brains out." Then he looked at Remus. "But I didn’t." 

Remus wasn’t sure how to take that, or what it meant. He was really in too much pain at the moment to have to try and figure Sirius out. "Where did you go?" he asked, unsure he really wanted to know.

"I went to that secret passage on the fourth floor. You know, the one that leads down to the kitchens?" Remus nodded in response. "Well, I sat I there and a House Elf showed up. She said they could tell I was there. I don’t know, those House Elves have weird magic." He shook his head and went on. "Anyway, she asked what I was doing there and I told her…" Again Sirius stopped. He was not one to talk about stuff like this. His conversations usually stemmed to simple, easy, mundane things. "I told her I had a crush on someone, and I really fucked it up with that person. I told her that it was one of my best mates, and now I don’t have that best mate anymore." His gaze travelled even farther down, now he was examining his feet. 

Remus reached out and took his hand. Sirius raised his eyes to meet Remus’s. "She told me that if that person was really my mate, they would understand and take me as I am, friend or otherwise. So I went to find you and James and Peter in the Shrieking Shack. I transformed before I got there. But it didn’t matter; you were out in the forest. So I waited for you. I don’t know for how long, but it was a while. James entered first, in his stag form. He looked me in the eye and nodded, civil, but not friendly. Then I moved my eyes to you. You don’t scare me when you’re the wolf; I think the other two are scared, even if they don’t admit it. Your eyes bore into mine. You missed me, or at least the wolf missed me. You crossed the room and lay down next to me. Then you fell asleep. I didn’t notice then that you were all cut and scratched." He didn’t blink and said again, "I’m sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I’m not mad at you, Sirius. Whatever happened between us that night in the dormitory…" But Remus stopped. Maybe it was because he was aware that Sirius had put his hand on his leg. Or maybe it was because he didn’t want to finish the sentence.

"I know you think that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that, Remus. But it wasn’t because I was drunk. You are my best friend. That’s the most important thing. And if we can get past the kiss then I think we can go back to normal." Sirius said it with a tone he thought was convincing. But Remus looked at him sceptically.

"Nobody wants to be friends with a werewolf, Sirius. Nobody wants to have to deal with the problems it causes." Sirius looked like he was about to protest when Remus continued, "At least that was what I thought before I met you and James and Peter. I thought I would never have friends. I thought I’d never be able to be normal. To fall in love. To have anything normal people have. And you showed me I was wrong. I can’t risk losing that because there may be something more than that between us." Remus wasn’t sure where his last few words came from. Was there something more between them? Of course there was. If James or Peter had kissed him like that Remus wouldn’t have reciprocated the same way he did when Sirius kissed him. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he wanted Sirius to kiss him that night. He wanted Sirius to kiss him again. 

Sirius looked defeated. He tried to keep his face solid. Tried to give nothing away, but it didn’t work. He smiled and nodded. "You’re very wise." And he started to get up to leave. But before he could stand, Remus pulled him down again and this time Remus pushed his lips to Sirius’.

It was brief and formal, but it said something only Sirius could read. He looked into Remus’s eyes. "But... I thought you said it was more important to be friends."

"Sod our friendship." Remus laughed then leaned in and kissed Sirius again.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 

_Oh, God!_ His brain was clouded when Sirius moved kisses up and down his neck like that. He looked pleadingly at Sirius when his lips parted from Remus’ flesh.

"We have to get to Transfiguration," Sirius said, out of breath. They had resorted to finding a few minutes here and there to nip into broom cupboards for a snog, but it never moved farther. They never had time to move it farther. Sirius didn’t seem ready yet. And Sirius still seemed terrified at the notion that anyone would find him and Remus in the act of snogging.

"I’ll leave first, you come out in five minutes. I’ll see you in Transfiguration." Sirius headed to the door and took a deep breath, then turned the knob and was gone.

Remus sat alone in the room for several minutes, his mind racing. He should have ended this before it even started. He should have told Sirius their friendship was too important. He should have told Sirius he didn’t want to kiss him again. He should have said all these things two weeks ago. But the thought of Sirius’s rough lips and his gleaming eyes were too much for Remus. The thought of Sirius’s hands on his face and roaming down his back made him light-headed. He turned and left the small cupboard, five minutes late to Transfiguration. He wouldn’t be with Sirius that night; he had to clean up the Transfiguration room for detention. Nothing good could come from being with Sirius. And his first detention in four years proved it.

 

There wasn’t a lot of conversation between Remus and Sirius, casual or otherwise. It seemed they had run out of things to talk about. But when they were alone all Remus could think about was how he didn’t want anything but Sirius. But they needed to talk. So Remus arranged a meeting place. Somewhere nobody could find them. 

The only light in the secret passage on the fourth floor was the fire Remus had lit in the middle of the floor. The passageway led them into Hogsmeade, but tonight Remus and Sirius were using the large entrance room to the passageway for a different purpose. The room was about nine feet by ten feet, and in the centre of the room, on a magically enhanced pallet, Sirius and Remus were becoming very familiar with each other. 

 

Sirius’s lips left Remus’s for the first time in minutes and he was only vaguely aware of the red bruise that presented itself on them. Remus tilted his head back and Sirius moved his lips to take it in. He moaned loudly and felt Sirius’s hand move down his back. 

Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius. "We have to stop." His voice was raspy and he was almost panting. 

Sirius ignored him and moved his hand to graze across Remus’s buttock. Remus felt his eyes roll in his head, then stopped and again said, "Sirius, we have to stop. If we don’t stop now I won’t be able to."

Sirius removed his hand and looked Remus directly in the eye. "I don’t want to stop, Remus."

Remus looked into Sirius’s eyes. "You’re sure?" he asked. But before Sirius could answer Remus’s mouth was on his again. He pushed Sirius down onto his back and moved his hand to the clasp on his robes. 

Lying in just his black boxers Sirius looked nervously at Remus. Sure they’d seen each other naked. They’d been roommates for six years. But this was different. His chest hitched as Remus looked at him, his face unreadable.

"You’re beautiful." Remus had emotion in his voice. Before Sirius could see if the emotion showed in his face, Remus lowered his mouth to Sirius’s bare chest, his rough hands moving over his hips. His tongue was making tracks down his body. Lower and lower until he reached the band of the boxers. One last time Remus looked up at Sirius and said, "You’re sure?" 

This time Sirius was able to answer. "Yes," he gasped. And before he could take another breath his shorts were gone and Remus was moving his tongue over the flesh that awaited him.

~~~**~~~

Remus woke when a breeze hit him. It took him a moment to realize why he was sleeping so close to the edge of the pallet. Then he smiled. Now he remembered. They hadn’t gone quite as far as Remus would have liked, but he still felt satisfied. Sirius was nervous, and seemed hesitant to give to Remus the way he’d given to Sirius, but it didn’t matter to Remus at the time. 

He pushed his hand over to the other side of the soft padding and felt for Sirius. The spot was empty. Remus rolled over and saw the blankets had been pushed down and he was indeed alone. _Oh God,_ Remus thought, _it’s never good to wake up alone._

He sat up and stared across the room. Sirius was staring into the fire in the centre of the room. He didn’t move. Remus wasn’t even sure he was really breathing. He wasn’t startled, however, when he heard his name. 

"Sirius," Remus whispered. He moved timidly toward Sirius. His heart sank to his heels. "I don’t…we can just pretend it never happened and…"

"No," Sirius said, turning to look at Remus. "I don’t want that. I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen. I’m confused, Remus." He was aware that he normally wouldn’t say this to a lover, but this was Remus, his best friend, and ultimately he could say anything to him. "What does it mean? Does it mean I fancy men?"

"Sirius, I don’t think…" But he stopped. He wasn’t sure at all what to say. He was scared he’d just lost one of the most important people in his life. Sirius’s eyes reflected off the fire as he stared more deeply into Remus. 

"It was incredible. It was better then anything I’ve ever done. With anyone. And so does that mean that I’m, you know…" He couldn’t say it. 

Remus understood now. He sighed. "Perhaps it’s the person, and not the gender you fancy. Perhaps it has to do with a soul, and not a body part. Does that make sense?" 

Sirius nodded briefly. "How did you figure it out? I mean, when did you know?"

"That I was homosexual? I never questioned it," Remus said to Sirius. 

"You never questioned your sexuality? You always knew you fancied blokes?" 

"It’s not something I just woke up one day and said, ‘right then, I think I’m going to fancy men.’ It’s something I’ve always felt." Remus had never told anyone this. 

Sirius didn’t say anything. "We don’t have to keep doing this, Sirius. If you’re uncomfortable, I mean." What did he mean, Remus wondered? He wanted Sirius. He wanted him for the rest of his life, a feeling he’d never felt for anyone before. Granted, he was only sixteen. 

"Did I ever tell you about being Sorted when I was eleven?" Sirius asked.

It was an odd question, and very random, but Remus answered, "No."

"I walked up to the small bench where the rugged old hat sat, I sat down and McGonagall placed it on my head. It fell over my eyes. I was scared to death. Bella and Narcissa had talked about the sorting, but I didn’t really know what it entailed. I knew that if I weren’t sorted into Slytherin I’d be the biggest disappointment in the family. Mother had made that clear." Sirius seemed hurt still to this day at that idea. But he continued. " ‘A Black I see,’ the hat said into my ear. I thought as hard as I could, ‘Please put me in Slytherin. Everyone in my family has been in Slytherin.’ I might have even been saying it out loud I don’t really know.

" ‘I don’t think Slytherin is where you belong,’ " the hat whispered to me. I was terrified. 

" ‘No, it is,’ I thought. ‘Please, Slytherin.’ I could only imagine how Mother would yell if I wasn’t placed in Slytherin. The hat was silent for a moment that seemed like eternity and then said, ‘You could be much better in another house.’ Then the hat yelled the one word. ‘Gryffindor’." Sirius looked at Remus, really looked at him.

"My heart sank. It fell to my feet. I looked out at my cousin Cissy sitting at the Slytherin table and she was glaring at me. Staring at me so fiercely I thought she was going to kill me with her mind. I stepped off the bench, probably looking like I’d been given a death sentence, and walked to the Gryffindor table. They all looked at me like I didn’t belong there. The Blacks had a reputation, and none of us had been put in Gryffindor. When Andromeda was put in Ravenclaw five years earlier the family was in an uproar. But Gryffindor? It was the house I’d grown up only hearing bad things about. How everyone in Gryffindor was a Mugglelover and a half blood. I was a Black. A family who went to great lengths to make sure our bloodline was kept pure. 

"I sat at the back of the table, where nobody would see me. God, I wanted to be invisible. I couldn’t think of how I was going to live the next seven years in this house. I was alone at the back of the table. Then do you know what happened?" Remus shook his head.

"This small kid, with tawny brown hair sat across from me." Sirius smiled. "You wouldn’t even look at me. But I noticed you looked just as scared to be where you were as I did, and at that moment I felt I’d found a kindred spirit. You didn’t talk to me, didn’t do anything. Just sat. James came and sat down next to me a few minutes later, after he’d been sorted. I remember thinking, _bleeding Potters, they all get put into Gryffindor_. But he wasn’t rude to me, he wasn’t mean. He just sat. And the three of us sat, quietly, staring. You and me looking more fearful then I think I’d ever seen you, James looking confident. But it was you, Remus. You, who I shared that moment with. I want to share moments with you." Sirius leaned in closer to Remus. "Moments that scare me. Moments that make me wonder what the fates are thinking. But moments none the less." 

Remus smiled. What Sirius had just told him was out of character and very personal, and Sirius never talked about stuff like that. 

"I’m glad I got to share that moment with you." Sirius stared back in to fire. 

Remus didn’t know if he meant the moment at their sorting six years ago, or the moment they’d just shared in the cold entranceway. But either way, Remus was also glad. Glad for both of those moments. Remus’s gaze moved from Sirius to the fire, where he now stared as well. And neither one said a word the rest of the night.

 

~~~*~~~

_Prefects meeting. Bloody Prefects meeting_. Remus was taking his time getting to the Saturday afternoon meeting. He would rather be anywhere else. In all honesty he would rather be with Sirius. They had been very formal when they weren’t alone. It was a week ago they’d met in the secret passage. And except for a brief hello here and there, there was nothing else said. 

Remus opened the door to the room off the Great Hall where the other prefects were sitting. It was the same old thing. The Head Girl, a Ravenclaw, seemed bored to death as well, so the meeting ended after only twenty minutes. And the group shuffled out of the room. 

Remus noticed Lily Evans give him a sideways glare and walk away. Lily Evans was often rude to James and Sirius, often gave them glares that would kill an army. But she was friendly to Remus. She had to be, he figured, since they shared duties in the same house. It seemed her contempt didn’t extend to him and Peter.

He didn’t understand it. James and Sirius were the most eligible guys in Gryffindor. Everyone wanted them. But the only one James really wanted was this snooty auburn haired prefect. "Lily?"

"What is it?" she asked hurriedly.

"Did you really have to bring that up at the meeting? The issue with James and Sirius skiving off History of Magic on Thursday?"

Lily looked at him, her gaze icy. "They can’t keep getting away with things like that, Lupin."

"Why not, what’s it hurting that they’re missing out on class?"

She ignored him and started walking away.

"Why don’t you like my mates?" Remus asked, walking at a brisk pace to keep up with her.

She looked at him disgustedly then replied, "They’re bullies, Remus. And you must be too since you don’t stop them." 

Remus sighed, "They’re just having fun. They’ve never hurt you." 

"It doesn’t matter. I’m a Prefect; I need to keep things in order. You’re a Prefect too. In case you’ve forgotten."

He hadn’t forgotten. He put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her walking. "Just give them a chance, okay? They’re good guys."

Lily snorted but replied, "I’ll have to trust that you think they’re good guys. I haven’t seen it. But you seem decent, Lupin. So I’ll take your word on that. Please try to keep them more in line though, okay?"

Remus smiled. "Deal." 

She smiled back at him, then clutched her books to her chest and walked ahead.

Remus stood in the hallway for a moment longer watching Lily walk away. He guessed he could see what James saw in her; she was sort of pretty, for a girl. Two girls walked past Remus, a fifth year blonde running into him, giving him a dirty look, then continued talking to her friend.

"You know who I would want a go with?" The blonde haired girl who ran into Remus said. Remus rolled his eyes. Girl talk.

"Who?" giggled the girl next to her.

"Sirius Black. He’s so dreamy. Have you seen how he plays Quidditch? The way his muscles flex?" She giggled again.

Remus chuckled, and walked back to Gryffindor Tower to see his dreamy Quidditch player.

~~~*~~~

 

Remus looked at his watch. It was 10:15. The Common Room was starting to thin out. He just finished his homework and was getting ready to go up to their dorm. He hadn’t seen Sirius all day and was starting to wonder how long detention with Slughorn would take. 

James was pouring over _Quidditch Monthly_ , a magazine that his family owl delivered to him on the eighteenth of every month. It took him about three hours to read it cover to cover, then they had to hear about it for the rest of the month.

Peter was finishing up his Potions homework. He’d been given an extra half scroll because he’d turned his "Pretty Up" potion green, when it was supposed to be a nice light pink colour. 

Remus bode James and Peter goodnight and went up to their room. The room wasn’t empty. Sirius had lit candles all around. It was ridiculously romantic, and he wondered what Sirius would say if Peter or James came into the room and saw it. 

"I thought you were in detention," Remus said.

"I was. Got finished early, you weren’t here." Sirius had a sly look on his face.

"What’s this?" Remus asked, a smile playing on his lips.

"Candles," Sirius said, dumbly. 

"I see that. Why are there candles? And what would you have done if I were Peter or James?"

Sirius chuckled. "Well, James is only a quarter of the way through his first reading of _Quidditch Monthly_ , so he’s going to be reading for another hour at least. And Peter would believe anything I told him. Plus he’s got a good lot more to do on his scroll."

Remus smiled and took a step toward Sirius. "So you thought this through then?"

Sirius smiled. He stepped closer to Remus and was at his side in a second. His hand reached for Remus’s chin and he bent down slightly to kiss him.

Remus reeled, the memories of the nights Sirius would climb into his bed flooding him. The first time Sirius was finally able to go down on Remus. The night their bodies intertwined as they jerked each other off. The memories alone would make Remus hard, but Sirius moving his hand inside Remus’s robes was helping him along too.

"Sirius," Remus said, in a quiet tone. He leaned in and captured Sirius lips with his. He was vaguely aware that James and Peter could come in at any moment, but right now he didn’t care who saw them. He moved his hand across Sirius’s robes and pulled them off, not letting their lips part. They casually made it across the room to Remus’s bed.

He moved his lips down Sirius’s body. Sirius was trying to pull the robes off Remus, but the moans that escaped his mouth seemed to make the thought involved in the process impossible. 

Finally Sirius gave up and let Remus move his mouth downward until it reached the spot that made Sirius cry out. "Remus," Sirius gasped, pulling his lover up to look at him. Remus looked at him questionably. "Remus," he said again, his voice hoarse. "I want you," he hesitated, as if thinking about what he really wanted. "I want to feel you inside me."

Remus didn’t move. He wasn’t sure he’d heard right. "Are you sure?" he said softly, still unmoving.

"Yes," Sirius replied. His hand found Remus’s hair and ran his fingers through it. Then reached for his wand and put a silencing spell around the bed and hoped to God James and Peter would be several hours longer. 

Remus pulled his robes off, his eyes never leaving Sirius. His friend, his mate and now his lover. Sirius was looking at him with hesitation.

"We don’t have to," Remus said, though by now, naked and preparing himself with a lubrication charm from his wand, he sure hoped that wasn’t what Sirius was going to say.

"I want to." And Remus started to move his body to join it with Sirius’s body when Sirius interrupted again, "is it going to hurt?" he asked.

Remus took a deep breath. "It may, a little, but if we do it right it shouldn’t be too bad." He looked into Sirius’s eyes, waiting for a sign that he was ready. 

It was Sirius who pulled Remus down on top of him. It was Sirius who pulled his knees to his chest. It was Sirius that moved so perfectly with Remus inside him that it seemed it was meant that way. And it was Sirius who came first, his eyes never leaving Remus’s, watching him intently. And when Remus placed his forehead on Sirius’s forehead, coming himself, he noticed a tear on Sirius’s cheek.

"You alright?" Remus whispered, moving a kiss to his ear.

"Perfect," Sirius said back, meeting Remus’s lips with his.

~~~*~~~

 

It was sex, he tried to tell himself. Nothing more, nothing less. He and Sirius were the same as they used to be, they laughed together, and they played practical jokes on everyone. They were the same. Until night, when Sirius would climb into Remus’s bed, place a silencing spell around it and show him otherwise. And sex with Sirius was something Remus wasn’t prepared for. It was different than with Alexi. It was fulfilling and special. And Remus was surprised that he was willing to be that sort of friend to Sirius. A best friend, who got what was needed from a lover. In all honesty, nothing had changed, except the feral looks Sirius would give Remus.

The beginning of December brought a cold that Hogwarts hadn’t seen in years. And while Hogwarts prepared for Christmas, Remus, Sirius, Peter and James prepared for the Full Moon. 

"We’ve finished the Marauders’ Map; we’ve seen everything in the Forbidden Forest. What can we do now?" Peter looked at the group, who stared blankly at the table in the centre of their dorm, also at a loss.

"We can just be there. You know, moral support and all that," Sirius said, sneaking a glance at Remus. 

Remus tried to look indifferent, he tried to make his voice sound cool, but he knew he never was very good at that. That was Sirius’s gift. "You don’t need to be there," he said, ignoring the feeling of contradiction in his chest. _Please be there,_ that feeling said. 

But if anyone could read Remus past his outer skin, it was Sirius. The man with many talents. "Come on, Remus, we’ve never let you down before," Sirius said, giving him a meaningful look.

The other two, however, looked like they would rather be doing other things. The three others had become Animagus only a year ago. But since then they’ve said to found the full moon nights tedious. They never told Remus that to his face, but the werewolf could hear conversations people think he can’t. 

Sirius took James and Peter’s lack of enthusiasm as a personal insult. "Oi, you’re going to leave Remus to transform alone for the first time since he started school?" 

Remus looked at Sirius questionably. "You lot have only been transforming with me since last year."

Sirius thought for a moment then said, "You’re right. But still. We stood by you in the Hospital wing before we had the Animagus Transformations figured out."

Peter and James were distracted by their work, and seemed no longer to be paying attention. Sirius looked defeated.

"It’s alright, Sirius. I can do it alone."

"You won’t be alone," Sirius said, raising his voice harshly so the other two could take a hint and feel guilty. It didn’t seem to work. Then he looked at Remus and said, in a sincere tone, "I’ll always be there for you."

 

~~~*~~~

Remus entered the Shrieking Shack with Madame Pomfrey and shuddered. He wondered if he’d ever be able to walk in this place and not feel a chill run down his spine. He knew what this place represented. What it meant. He was a beast, and once a month they shut him away so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else. 

It was more humane then most places. The Ministry had cages they put the werewolves in, only after they established the person wouldn’t become a menace to society. The ones that were found menacing were put out of their misery, as Papa said.

But it wasn’t misery. Remus was happy, and grateful to be alive. And he almost couldn’t remember what life was like before he was bitten anyway. It was something he’d learned to live with. Something that gave him character, as James put it. And though one night a month he turned into a wolf, and for three of four days afterward he suffered the pains from it, he wasn’t miserable. He wouldn’t want to be taken to the Ministry to meet his death by a silver bullet. 

"You’ll be alright then, dear?" Madam Pomfrey asked. She used to leave him with potions that would relieve pain. Things she gave for basic cases of headache or stomach cramps, but they never worked. So she stopped bringing things she thought would help, by Remus’s request. He wasn’t sick, so potions and charms wouldn’t help. There was nothing he could do to escape the long suffering of the night. 

Remus nodded his head. "Yes, Ma’am. I’ll be fine." He turned and sighed. The Shack was not large, and he would eventually end up upstairs where a good-sized four-poster bed sat. But for the transformation he liked to be in the large room downstairs. There were less things to break, and for skin and bones to be broken on.

Madame Pomfrey left in her usual manor, looking sorry she couldn’t help, but wanting to leave as soon as possible. Once the entrance to the secret passageway was closed, Remus found an old wool covered chair in the corner. It must have been added there recently, for the wolf hadn’t destroyed it yet.

He looked at a shadow in the corner. At least that’s what he thought it was. There was something odd moving in the air. Then out of nowhere, Sirius materialized.

"Good God, Sirius, you scared the daylights out of me," Remus said, startled as he watched a snickering Sirius ball up James’s Invisibility Cloak and toss it onto a wooden table.

Sirius moved closer to Remus, "So, it’s just you and me here tonight, we have a good forty-five minutes before full moon rises." He smiled a mischievous smile. "Whatever shall we do?"

Remus couldn’t help but be amused. "Well, we could play Exploding Snap?" he offered lightly.

Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment. "We could, but I didn’t bring the marbles."

Remus played along. "Well, that could be a problem. What about Inquisition? We don’t need any sort of…" but his play was interrupted by Sirius’s firm lips on his. "Or we could play this. This is fun," he breathed when Sirius released his mouth.

He then moved his lips to Sirius’s neck. "You taste like cinnamon." Remus kissed a particularly spicy patch of warm skin.

"That’s one I haven’t heard before," Sirius said chuckling. He reached down to touch Remus.

A good deal later, Sirius was spent and had a smug smile on his face. "Was that as good for you as it was for me?" He looked at his lover. And he noticed his pupils were dilating. He smiled, until he realized that Remus’s body was becoming hairy. Remus was about to change. Sirius transformed.

It was painful to watch. Remus pulled at his skin and hair when his body made the horrible transformation from man to wolf. And when the change was complete, the amber eyes of a wolf were staring into the grey eyes of a big black dog. A fellow species. 

The wolf recognized the dog. A pack member. Yes, he knew. But the scent on him was different. A strong, poignant, godly scent. The scent of sex. Eyeing him the whole time, the wolf circled the dog. And finally stopped and mounted him. The wolf had found a mate.

~~~*~~~

The light creeping into the old dingy shack woke Remus. And he felt great. He had never felt this alive after a transformation. He wondered why. Wondered what was different. 

Remus saw Sirius lying next to him in dog form. Remus leaned in and kissed his long mane of fur. "Wake up, Sirius," he said softly in the dog’s ear. 

Sirius’s eyes flittered and opened.

"Morning," he said. "You should go soon. Day is here."

It wasn’t until he was in human form that Remus noticed the love bite on his neck. Remus couldn’t help but smile. Next time he’d be more careful. But it was hard for him to control himself when Sirius was doing what he did to Remus last night. 

Sirius looked at him oddly at first, then smiled, put a hand on the back of Remus’s neck, and brought his mouth in for another kiss.


End file.
